by Obiakor Uchechukwu <firstname.lastname@example.org>
As 2015 draws near, many politicians must have arranged or written down their manifesto. Those yet to write or have their manifesto arranged, I know must sugar-coated or honey jell their tongues. Let me say this if they will take my advice on this piece, it will not only help them, but will catapult them to a realm they all will be called political pundits and Aristotles of our time. Gone are those days when we hear stuffs like, if you vote for me “I will water the whole community” “I will fire (provide electricity) everywhere” “ I will build roads (just bring in the caterpillars, let them scrap and invite dust)” “I build hospitals (erect a building and pack in panadol tablets while you go for medical check up abroad, we use herbs and roots to exterminate all ailments)” “I will provide jobs (import more wheel barrows, motorcycles even keke na pepe so that the graduates who have refused to go back to agriculture, narrow their lives riding past trailers driven by lunatics)” “six months after my inauguration, electricity will be stable that we will give other countries (import more generators or better still tell the generator manufacturing firms to shift their base down to Nigeria)” “I will build schools and provide qualitative education(erect any structure and pack it with half baked literates as teachers. It is not your fault if students fail JAMB, WAEC, NECO; they don’t read while you fly your wards abroad)” “I will fight corruption (employ the services of a mistress that helps you carry cash to your Swiss accounts. If EFCC strikes, tell them it’s your “hard earned money”)” “I will pay all outstanding bills and wages (just quote billions on the national dailies you did release, of course nobody will question you. You are the chief executive)” “I will carry everybody along including the opposition (make sure you have a personal police recruits and build a better prisons. Some opposition has “vipery” tongue. Instead of them lashing criticisms on your policies, give command your police recruits to put them behind bars till they say you are the best thing ever happened)” “I will empower the police (why waste funds? Buy dane guns and oil lamps while they fight with motorists over twenty naira, armed robbers are having field day. Make sure their vehicles are ones that break down when any serious mission is been embarked on)” “I will make fuel more cheaper that every household will decide to cook with fuel( pay out subsidies with forged importation papers. Any probe tomorrow, just tell us you will not spare any one involved in the subsidy scam)”
Now, let’s get down to business. How to win the hearts of the electorate, like I said above, Nigerians are tired of hearing same old war song. It is time you give them something different. An innovative born out of your creativity, that will not only sell you to the electorates, but will help your party to be in power for the next sixty years. Nigerians are now wise and intelligent, so in order to beat this intelligence, just make sure come from an ethnic group that have not smelt or seen how Aso Rock looks like. Tell us, you once have no shoes, but can afford slippers. Tell us, you had no singlet or boxers. Tell us, how you use to trek to school with torn out shirt and shorts. Tell us, how you struggled through life, reading and passing your classes in flying colors that you know more than you teachers. Make us know how you manage akara and kuli kuli for breakfast. Tell us how you sack all PHCN staffs responsible for power failure, unless you want them to show what they are capable of doing when an eminent visitor comes. Tell us how you make the “Legislachops” to represent their constituents well. Make us know that corruption cases will be a thing of the
past. Every sacred cow, elephant, lion, tiger even zebra must see the walls of kirikiri prisons. Tell us that your children will join heir counterparts in public schools. Make no mistake, telling us you will resuscitate an old industry abandoned even before you started primary school. Tell us you will help Nigerians realize the value of maintaining what they have. Embark on projects like building prisons for the yahoo yahoo guys, pen robbers, pension fund looters. Don’t build roads; rather embark on flyovers and bridges. Nigerians are tired of riding on the land. Since you are for change, make sure you settle out some dudes perceived as enemies or bombs and bullets become daily news.
Armed yourself with a team of intellectuals that will always know how to react to an issue, not gibberish talking lunatics. If you are not careful enough, they will blow a secret you have locked up in CBN vaults. Any criminal that refuses to live up to expectations, announce his name nationwide, so that we can employ the services of bakassi boys. You can’t do without God, so you need a prophet by your side. Whether he slap witches to make them repent or he only sees dooms coming, just employ their services. For you do not war against flesh and blood rather against principalities and powers in high places. Make us know that the market woman who struggled to vote for you, will change her business of selling pepper to being a major distributor of magi, fresh tomatoes etc. Tell us you will change the jobs of our graduates from okada riding to keke na pepe drivers. Tell us that you are going to demolish the hospitals, let the traditional or herbal doctors take over. Lastly, don’t promise heaven when you know the clouds are far from your reach. Till next time, I remained yours faithful adviser.